Emergency Room Blues

WARNING: some content are gross

    I was on a morning shift duty at the emergency room in a public hospital. Everything went quite well this morning until I came back after my lunch break (rarely happens in ER). Everyone was already scurrying, the room explodes with activity as more and more patients were rushing in. Of course, it is to be expected in an emergency room.

    It's just the way I love it. Perhaps working in 911 or Emergency room would be my option next to working as an OR Nurse. Operating Room is strictly clean, disinfected and sterile. A room which is very contradictory to the Emergency Room where you’ll find all the disgusting stuff. Not just blood, but stools, phlegm, vomit and discharges all in different colors and smell.

    I swear I could sit next to a bloody open corpse and still eat my lunch. I could even stare at the sight of a hanging eyeball without blinking. I could examine a person’s bloody abdomen with his gut coming out. I could look at anything gross, but the smell I couldn’t take it.

    The horrid smell inside the ER has the ability to pass through layers and layers of the mask I’m wearing. It makes me really sick. Nobody likes the smell of urine. Nobody likes the smell of a poop. Nobody likes the smell of a mouth that gives out a horrendous breath. Nobody likes the smell of someone who hasn’t bathed for a week. Nobody likes the smell of a decaying wound that smells like a rotten egg. It really makes me sick.

    That’s ER. It’s perfectly normal. I need to have a stronger stomach to endure all of these day by day.

    Yet, no matter how sickening the emergency room can be, I still love what I’m doing. I dread lectures, I hate the wards, but the vigor, thrill, teamwork and the aim to save lives inside the ER is what persists to drive my passion for this kind of profession. Each patient I met is different and the knowledge needed to care for every new patient is something I know I will be learning better through time and experience.

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 I had the worst day of my life today. Just when I needed comfort, there was none. Just when I needed a shoulder to cry on, there was none. Just when I needed a hand to hold on to, there was none. Just when I needed assurance that everything’s going to be alright, there was none.

    Thursday, my dog, Xarpei was caught by the city pound. She escaped and went outside when somebody left the gate open. I was eating my breakfast when I heard her shriek. I immediately rushed outside barefoot and found out she’s being caught, so I ran after the truck. I was gravely begging them, hoping to release my dog, but the dogcatchers said they can’t, it’s their job. I started cursing inside my mind, “Screw you! Hope you lost your job!” all out of rage.

    I tried everything to stop them, but to no avail… I failed. I was already crying when I saw my Xarpei inside the truck, I can really see in her eyes that she’s scared. The truck sped away, all I can hear is my poor dog wailing. But there’s nothing I can do… nothing. All I can do is wait for tomorrow and claim my precious.

    Friday came. I knew we’ll be bombarded with long quizzes. I can’t afford to be absent because I’m pretty sure I’ll be missing a lot of quizzes. I only have one subject, class starts at 8:00am and ends at 3:00pm with an hour lunch break. So, I decided to claim my dog after classes.

    Together with the boyfriend, we went to the city pound. It was very far from school, far from our homes. But I really didn’t care about that, all I want at that moment is to see and get my dog.

    We arrived there at around 4:00pm. There’s no one around. A folk said that the pound closes at three, and dogs should be claimed in the morning. I was so dejected. I climbed the wall to see my dog, and there I saw her in such a piteous situation. When Xarpei heard my voice, she stood up at once and made a soft wail. What broke my heart even more is when I saw her so eager seeing me, but I just can’t get close to her nor touch her. I couldn’t even get her out from that hell. I was already crying hard. Maybe my dog understood what’s going on, she just sat down and kept quiet.

    I went home heartbroken. I couldn’t bear to leave my dog on such a pitiful situation. But there’s nothing I can do. I felt my heart is being smashed into pieces. That time, I was looking for comfort, from my boyfriend at least. Tears won’t stop rolling down my cheeks. I was seeking for him to hold on to, but he was cold as ice. He ignored me the whole time we were inside the taxi from the city pound to my home. Probably because he was supposed to play DoTA with his friends but I had to ruin it because I asked him to come with me. Isa pa, naramdaman ko kasi parang ako pa ang sinisisi sa nangyari.

    Was it my fault why such thing happened to my dog? I didn’t want this to happen. Nobody wanted it to happen. When she was still a puppy, I did everything just to let her live even when she was almost an inch from death. I pampered, spoiled, and loved her. How could I do such miserable thing for her?

    And worst, tomorrow, Saturday, we’ll be conducting a seminar and attendance is a must. That made me cry even more. I felt so hopeless, everything seem to turn bleak. Saturday will be the last chance of claiming her or else she’ll just be made into a fine fertilizer. I couldn’t stop crying.

    My boyfriend offered to get my dog. I appreciated that a lot, I mean it. But regardless of his offer, I don’t understand why he treated me coldly the time we’re going home. I just wished he wasn’t aloof the time when I needed security while I was out in my comfort zone. And to think that I consider him as my other half, I just wished he was the man I knew to be a crying shoulder.  Nevertheless, I thank him for being physically there.

    I apologize for being a pathetic brat. It’s just that, I found comfort in this blog. Please bear with me.  

My Pets: The Hidden Beauties of Ugly Beasts

I really don’t know what came into my mind why I got myself into this kind of hobby; because it is rare, exotic, creepy, and not for the faint-hearted perhaps? Or simply because... I just love it. It’s quite a long time since I engrossed myself into this hobby and it’s very addictive. I’m pretty sure this hobby is very unlikely, especially for girls. Who would want to pet a big-hairy-creepy-crawly anyway? 

Well… I do. I am a female and with one fleeting glance at me you’ll never know that I own some of those little creatures labeled as the fearsome eight-legged freaks… the tarantulas!

 Creepy and odd as it seems, I actually have a few of them. In fact, I still want to have more if only my budget allows me. I’ve already spent a fortune with this hobby, but for now I am on hiatus with my tarantula buying spree. Tarantulas can be very costly. But no matter how expensive they get, take this from me… the money spent is all worth it. Shown in the pictures below are my sub-adult tarantulas.

Getting big. Almost the size of my template.

Brachypelma Boehmei. I named here Dianne :)

 Not only that, tarantulas are also great stress relievers. They even act as clowns, especially when they do something weird and funny. Believe me, they do! Most of the time they get psycho. Other times boring as a pet rock, but still beautiful to look at. There’s so much more astonishing little things they do, like redecorating their homes, spinning a beautiful web tunnel, or drowning their prey. They will do anything and everything that will confuse and dumbfound the keeper. They’re indeed full of surprises. Herewith are some photos of my babies. I love them to bits…

G. pulchripes. I love those golden stripes on her knees.

N. coloratovillosus. This one's big and nasty.

See? Nasty. My little girl throwing a threat pose on me. :)

N. chromatus. Still a juvie. Wait till she grows up and show that beautiful red butt. :)

These pets are indeed a-d-o-r-a-b-l-e, but there's always a little devil within them. Harmless unless provoked.

It would take passion, a lot of research and knowledge, and it entails big responsibility for someone who wants to keep these little critters.

Dianne, out for a walk. :)

When death stalks by

  I came home tonight from a funeral wake of my friend who passed away three days ago. I wasn’t expecting, not really. He’s young, he’s fine and suddenly he was taken away. So many questions about death randomly spurted inside my head. But no matter how much I wring my thoughts, it only leaves one answer… death chooses no one.

    “It’s already his time”, a remark I heard from the funeral. I was thinking then, all along it was actually time who discreetly takes everything away from us. We can cheat death, but not time. We can take control of death, but not time. We can fight death, but not time.

    Perhaps, if we allow fantasy to cloud reality, the greatest power one can attain is to control or stop time. But no matter how much the clouds cover reality they eventually disappear, and reality tells us that without a doubt nobody has the power to stop time; it’s impossible, it’s preposterous. Time is incessant, and it will always be.

    For the past twenty two years of my life time has been so cruel, it loves being chased, it runs fast, and worst… it strikes.  Time is a reason. Time is a thief - the only thief the law does not arrest. Time is selfish. Time is one-way. Time is irreversible. Time is dreadful… it is death’s best friend. Time holds everything, and it has the power to lose everything. Time is invincible, and there’s absolutely no way to combat time. There’s so much about time that it seems to slip away so fast. One minute you’re existing, the other you’re gone.

    Nevertheless, no matter how terrible time can be, we need time to survive, to heal, to learn, and to be happy. Time is gold as the cliché goes; time should be valued and must be well-spent. So what do we do with time? We use it. We don’t want to waste it, or we’ll be running after time. Let us not wait for the clock to tick because we barely notice that we’re running out of time before we set our affairs into order. Don’t hurry things up, we take our time but we don’t kill it - little do we know that time is quietly killing us too.

    The time given to us is short, very short that we really don’t notice this until our time is up. This is obsolete but I’ll be repeating this because we actually don’t mind it at all: Life is so short, live the fullest and make the best out of it… before it’s too late.

    I just hope I didn’t waste your time reading this.  

    And to my friend who is now at the hands of our Father, may his soul rest in peace. He will always be remembered. 

Of frustrations and aspirations

After our cheerdance practice at school, I was supposed to go home directly because I feel so tired and almost worn out. But for some reason, I did not head straight to the exit. Instead, I walked the other way with two of my friends who happened to be in the squad too. Along the way, they stopped in front of a bulletin board and read one of the pinned posters. Intrigued, I went reading with them too. I got thrilled when I found out that it was actually a nationwide photography and creative writing contest. Just for experience and plain fun, I did not hesitate nor did I have second thoughts of joining the photography contest. Besides, there’s nothing to lose.

    Well, that’s how it all begun. We talked about the contest. Then, I was so elated when we actually started a real conversation, from a simple photography topic to the dearest longing of our hearts; we talked about anything – our interests, our hobbies, and our passion. I realized then that there are actually people who share the same interests and passion with me; it’s just that I haven’t noticed them and there’s only a few of them I can spot in our school.

    Later did I realize that we have been standing and discussing there for about an hour. In front of that poster, we were there unveiling each others’ hidden frustrations and desires. It just felt good, because I know there’s a talent that lies within us. There’s another being deep in our hearts that’s been yearning to be awaken and come out of the shell. Piece by piece we are discovering each other, knowing each other in a profound way.

    Oftentimes, the people who knew me doesn’t really know that I have an aptitude for other things such as public speaking and writing, or an igniting passion for photography because what they only know about me is the thing they see often which is dancing.

    Finally, online communities aside, there’s someone real I can talk to about my interests. I am so glad that I’ve found people who truly share the same passion with me, and what’s good about it is that we belong in just one squad.

    Now, the three of us is will be joining the photo contest, and we’ll begin our photoshoot tomorrow. We’re also planning to involve ourselves to some things that are out of our ordinary day-to-day, the theater? or the toastmasters club perhaps? Hahaha. Dream on, Sarah, dream on.